Evolutionary Plume

Improved state but still a frustrating day

Had lunch with my mom, OJ, and Mary at the food court. That was good. Then tried to get to writing but I couldn't find certain files, not good. So I packed 7 more boxes, that was good. Found the story I was looking for hallelujah! Found the research on several others stories, that was good. But finally took on the disks--I still had 5 1/4 disks with data, threw a whole pile away after transferring them to my computer and only required one CD to store it all, awesome. But tiring. And no writing done. Still, sooner or later you have to pay for all your learning mistakes and put the stuff where it belongs. No reading and no swimming-frustrating. Still, Bob was upbeat about the neighborhoods he'd seen and I recieved pictures of several that looked really good, so now its about finding out about pools and seeing the actual homes in person. It's beginning to look possible.

Doing archaeology on my work

Problem with working on the road is I often use notebooks. If I don't have time to polish something, good materials sits waiting for my return. Then, there's the stuff that calls out to me, come do me, come clean me up. Sigh. Then I need find it. Oh, and I need to clean up my backup disks and see which are real. Purpose of all this is to clean up, of course, thank heaven Bob isn't watching my mess making in our pristine emptiness. Meanwhile I was up to nearly 4am finding it all. Progress, however unfinished is good. Need to do book reviews soon.

Had a good day yesterday, article reading, swimming late, promotion of articles (still backlog on these to do), forward progress on my Fortune Cookie book I'm reading. Plus laundry, packing 5 boxes full, feeding the hummingbirds, dishes.

So far uncovered quite a few articles to finish but still looking for my Peru writing.  Meanwhile, fell into storyland and finding Bob's favorite Kyung Wha Chang recording of the Mendelssohn / Bruch Violin Concerto impossible to resist and fine mood music.

Today I get to see OJ and Mom for lunch, should be fun.

Strange Case of the Flip-Flops

I don't like to wear them. They show up in my closet. I hide from them. They keep sneaking out and biting off the tips of my toes, but leave my toenails to grow long. Now why is that? Are they so certain I can't use them in self defense? Are toenails no longer survival equipment? Apparently, flip-flops are dangerous to your health--too many carcinogens and flukes. The flukes are definitely the worst. Don't do them, run, run for your life! The monk may be chasing behind you.

Okay, enough free flowing nonsense for the day, and just when I had a news item, too.

I guess it truly is story time.

Plugging through Novel Edits

My novel edits are going pretty well, working through the minor changes and coming up with the solutions to the structural. I am pretty miserable with a cold. Slurpee time, I think, now.

My Stand on Abortion

I always choose life. What makes it strong.

Without a law allowing abortion, women end up trying to do surgery on themselves in the worst possible way. If our society doesn't help prevent the need for abortion, then the law needs to stand.

I wouldn't want to have an abortion, yet, physically, I ended up with one despite my choice. Endometriosis made it difficult to participate in society without using birth control pills as medication, and later to have surgery. I could have lived with endometriosis, bleeding all month long, month after month until someone tracked me down in my bed and fathered a child on me, but I saw I had no life this way. I chose life, but many religious organizations would condemn taking the birth control pills, having the surgery, not enduring the medical problem without treatment, and on and on. Our society is not sophisticated enough to provide women with endometriosis a solution.

Many women become pregnant without wanting to. It would be ideal if women could choose to get pregnant when they wanted and could raise the child. We have not reached this level of chemical sophistication. It would be ideal if every woman who became pregnant had a committed and loving father to help raise the child. We have not reached this level of societal sophistication.

When people try to change the abortion laws, they are working at the wrong problem, way too late. They are not working to end illness. They are not working to teach children morality. They are not working to improve the lives of unwed mothers. They are not making the fathers pay the same societal cost as a mother for unwed parenthood. In short, they are talking loudly about a law that aids life without providing adequate support for making the law go away.

People that work at solving the problems of society without judging the people who have to decide their best hopes for life with limited choice  whatever the case are the people that attract me.

I have written stories about women and men faced with some of these issues because they educate about the complexity of parenthood, about the emotional costs of bad relationships.

So where does that place me politically? I don't care. Label me as you will. I seek intelligent solutions to societies problems in my stories as my life now. Many may reject them. I don't care, I am well amused with my books.

I Always Choose the Same

All my life I have walked through society as if it were a cloud, occasionally finding someone who I want to get wet with because they don't constrain me to their rules and regulations. I can accept all points of view because I think some people need to tinsist on their point of view to get along in life. They believe if they yell loud enough they win. I don't care about winning. I care about humanity and the truths I discover along the way.

So when I went down the road and met someone that turned away but left a beacon, I thought cool, fine. I went on my way and ran into a complex piece of machinery, like a robot of sorts. At the top, the brain said "I don't like it, the beacon says this is right, so I'll take it and bury it". Not wanting to be buried before I lived my life, I stepped hundred steps back and said how do I avoid this. But the machine's parts kept dropping before my face and offering a hand, which I will always shake, even if it carries the dagger to my back. I never choose this machine, it is a permanent road block to me. Once someone has carried a knife to my back, they are unacceptable.

If you can't accept the part with the dagger,how can you accept the machine? I simply have to go around even if it takes me the rest of my life.

So my path needs to go within, taking my beacon along, pushing aside the restrictions that I was taught to believe.

The Nothing To It Tasks of Moving

So, we've managed to paint seven rooms and touch up the edging in all. Bob replaced two sinks and all the toilet seats. We've sold several big items that aren't dear, in fact, few are dear, just needed. I have one garden bed cleaned up and two more up front to finish, the carpets to clean, the bathroom floors to clean, the kitchen cabinets to touch up. The back porch and siding is cleaned except for two areas. My office is cleared except for one stack and a bunch of books boxed. Donations have gone to the good will and library. We both paid bills. Hmm, what else?

We decided to take a tour of gas stations today, with two flat tires. Mind numb, its hard to remember everything. Had my mother over to share interests, she learned a bit about what I am doing.

Star Trek and Paint

Well, managed to finish off the kitchen wall, dining room, hallway and bathroom by rolling the walls, still need to touch up some. My bathroom is almost ready to be closed up for non-use showing. That was yesterday. Today, painted the edges of three of the livingroom walls and the entry and did laundry and packed up eight boxes of books and took them downstairs. Only dumped 1/4 can of paint once and took a tumble off the step ladder so I expect bruises. Tomorrow I hope to finish up the edges in the bedroom and the back bathroom and get it cleaned up. Then I'll be ready for the cedar chips and taking on all of the gardens. Bob has the weed and feed going, the holes in the walls filled and so many miscellaneous tasks like putting the closet doors back on its hard to keep track of them all. He's got the ads in on a bunch of big items we need sold via Craigslist so that's progress. We think we may list the house next week, we'll discuss it with the real estate agent. The cute lady that bought Bob's old PC said, you're painting all the bright colors aren't you? And we said, no, we were told neutral and boy are we boringly neutral -- ballerina white walls with devonshire cream trim -- white with a hint of brown, with white with a hint of hmm, blue maybe? A good match. When Bob removed the medicine cabinet the old wall color matched the new one. I guess we did a good job finding contractor white.

So exhausted, we played hooky and saw the new Star Trek movie. I wish they didn't always make them play like nostalgic homecoming dances. Still, it had great action and the new cast looked and sounded remarkably like the old cast. And Leonard Nimoy is sure looking old and wise. Fun. The sushi place was good, Bob was pleased and I had a meal and a snack with something out of the ordinary.

Plus, had a nice chat with my mom who came by for a visit and with my sister who I managed to connect with since she was  painting my mom's house as a Mother's Day present.

Six Month Slump Ends with My Next Novel in Work

I've got my second novel into editing at the moment and plan to get the first one edited later in the year. Meanwhile, after all my planning I decided to get going writing on a follow-on novel to the first I wrote. It's been dwelling in my head and I've written two stories on it so now I've got more of an idea how to proceed. I took the timeline from the first, grabbed a block of the over all history and am now laying down the words. Today wrote 600, just one scene after getting the time line set. so I'm at about 10000 words, not bad. It's the characters that are fun. I have four good guys and two bad guys so far. And, of course, life is tough for them all. I eventually want another in the series, with only minor overlap in characters. The timeline is the big part of how they connect. They share a set of events in a world history. The third one requires Chinese history just like my third unconnected novel, so this allows me to read the 3000+ pages of material a bit slower without getting stuck not writing.

I did need to get a book because I decided who my hero was and his identity required a profession I didn't know much about. The funny thing was I saw the perfect book six months ago for it at the UW bookstore and stupidly didn't buy it. Today, I went looking on Amazon.com, Powell's and on Barnes and Noble, no luck. So Bob very courteously drove me to the UW Bookstore. It was gone. Imagine that, lol. So the staff helped us look for the book and eventually found the name and that is was available at Amazon. But I bought two other books at the UW Bookstore instead and came home and ordered the other. I guess, this was happy birthday to me day.

Grief at the End of the Book

I didn't know how lost and empty one could feel. Three years is a long time to spend with characters, worrying their fate, plotting their growth, finding their home. And then I read "Replay" by Ken Grimwood and Pamela has her failure with her "do gooder" movie and suddenly I'm sharing her same grief. I know there's more to be done there but I can't bear to visit them. 

I don't know if my needs are being met, to be alone and hear the wind whistle through the doors as the waves crash or if I'm in trouble for some many times imagined things I've said.

Happy pills, or Lexapro, delays the rage and heartache from reaching to my hands. It blossoms and stops. I sit like a zombie, letting it echo and depart. The anxiety killed makes me forget what I need to do. I am walking the sands and seeing sparkles and shadow and interplay of color.

I don't know why suddenly I am supposed to have changed. My puppeteer emotions took a blast that scared me so I am in one land now, Bob is enforcing a mandatory 6 months off with limited success. I adore the man and miss my friends.

Cleaning up stories. The new ones are there at the brimming of my pen. Reading Historical Geology and already delving into astronomy, I guess the history begins somewhere and time. Stars dragging stars off kilter and generating planets. Is that what happened to me and now the other is plowing on, going the lonesome orbit off to find a new star... and me to watch the slow solidification...

Self- mea culpa

Doing background work on several articles, but didn't finish, tomorrow will do.

Focus required-- GRE

Working through the GRE tests, repeatedly. It helps by reducing the time it takes to set up and analyze a problem and by reminding me of the exactness of vocabulary tests. My math is atrocious simply because I'm slow and make dumb mistakes. Practice makes perfect. My essays will probably be weakest since they will be the last worked but I have started to go through the topic categories. I'll get a few articles out and promoted but this is like a mini-haha-vacation from reality. Amazing how $140 = 70 $2 articles focuses the mind on don't waste this. Lol.

Working through GRE Tests, Folk Life Festival, Seattle

I'm working through the GRE Tests, after several hours my mind blanked. I guess Friday has become my day of rest. Tomorrow, I'm off to the Pacific Northwest Ballet and then to a benefit dinner for the Folk Life Festival with friends. This is our first time for such an event so it should be interesting. The Folk Life Festival is a non-profit volunteer run event that takes place Memorial Day weekend every year at the Seattle Center and features folk music, dancing, and fine food from around the world. It's usually a mob scene where everyone has fun.

Timing

Life has been so helpful providing me with wonderful opportunities, this is so nice but every time it happens it is always at the cost of what I'm doing. I go away for a week to Florida because I have aging inlaws who care enough to pay for us to show up, the opportunity arises to write about oceans and evolution. I need to study for a test, the opportunity arises to write about Seattle and golf and power.  Always this balance act by fate that I get judged by. I am incredibly rebellious about following opportunity when it leads no where. Without coordination, I will be gone. 

I had a friend who I met when he wrote me and said I'd like to help you. So I talked with him and became his friend. I did everything in the world to try to keep that friendship as a friendship -- it was like going to a huge banquet where the king offers jewels, offers land, offers power, offers all in exchange for something I couldn't give. And offered up everything but to be a friend. People that think like you, share the same goals, meeting such are one of the most precious commodities in life. They become your true friend, if they can give up their desire for jewels, land, power, and things that you can't give and things that they take by force and that they don't have a right to touch. I see my old friend as this giant baby with a silver spoon in his mouth and an ego as large as the universe and the only thing in he liked about me was that I was the only person who said no and made it stick. One day he might even value such enough to try to be a friend instead of king to the unconquered.

More wrestling

Got blaze written for 500+ words, have to figure out how to post to Nanorimo. Did 20 pages of one manuscript's edits. Flustered on through two stories. Working the outline, where the characters are going and the them.

Then continued on, flailing about. Found quite a few new travel sites, found out some techniques I hoped to use wouldn't work. Got the CNAME stuff working on my blogs, I think. Kept running into missing books and books in my face to reorganized stuff. Then finally got down to the bottom line, studying for the GRE. My first attempt wasn't too bad, at least on the verbal. The math, I need to remember formulas and then try some techniques, I spend too much time on many of the easier items but then discovered how to do them again. My eyes are bleery and my dictionary calling.

Things that didn't work but still 733 words

Went looking for Palm Springs and Death Valley photos and ended up reorganizing the mess so I could not have to go through it all each time. Then decided to put away the lingerie purchased and had to clean out the drawer--this has been needed for several years and finally the crack --when I got my hair done. Then Bob's computer with the scanner was so messed up I had to delete drivers and reboot and it wouldn't but finally, got what I needed. Then Bob called and I'm promised kisses when he returns. Then I managed to get out my article and another 733 words and think through some of the outlines issues, what could be where. I saw the blaze, still have to write that one. Problem with too many stories being in first person is it makes it hard to connect them. I may still change the rules, will see. Still have two articles that I wrote yesterday and promoting to be done. Bob is already inclined to move to Texas, we'll see after 3 months. Will sign up for National Novel Writing month, and actually log stuff. Didn't hit the math books at all, tomorrow for sure. Lots of edits to do.

Goals for 2009 and beyond

I've actually formulated a plan I'm following in my writing. It's still too --  I'm going toward 90 degrees of topics but at least I've cut back from 320 degrees. I'm tired. I've been cleaning all the personal growth stuff out of my topical blogs www.prazeittravel.com, www.prazeitpoetry.com, www.prazeitsf.com and working on establishing keywords, getting them submitted to the blog directories and the like. This has been a very time consuming background task that is nearing completion. The first goal I'm working is my travel book. I haven't stopped writing science fiction, I just think that nonfiction has an easier entry path and that having traveled quite extensively it at least promotes the fact that I have a world view based on experiencing places first hand.

Besides this, I've been researching various schools around the country, colleges, college programs, finances and scholarships and working on my letter of intent. Bob and I discussed this last, last night. I'm not sure that my intents can be supported by most college programs. I often don't ask for help, instead go seeking the information I need wherever I can find it. I often cross-reference so that I have some basis for believing the information is correct. With what I want to do, I'm thinking I'll send queries to see if what I want is possible. I don't know if I'll get answers or have the time to do it, but ... I worry if I actually submit an outline that I'll have the same competitive onslaught instead of support and help.

This particular blog will be the last I clean up. I would like to get it more solidly established as having content related to the topic.

Crashing and rebellious at the same time...

so they, the controllers of every mind and every dollar took something wild and beautiful and free and added one halter after another and tying it firmly where it could not escape, slowly skinned it until all the blood and heartbeats showed and they said ha, ha. And the halters that could have been gentle and guiding acted like a noose and there was nothing left but to escape...

gone, gone, gone, nothing left except the memory that something wild and beautiful and free offered up love and now hung swinging, flayed from a tree and that was the controllers of the mind's legacy and they were offended that someone showed a picture to them of what they had created... and found it ugly.

Humor at Zorpia and free gifts from MyItThings and Strange Horizons

I wrote a short short story, in one writing, from beginning to end, hurrah. It's at http://www.zorpia.com/sfharper59 if you want a laugh, maybe. 

Meanwhile, I'm awash, pardon the pun, in free gifts. I recieved my Aveda package from MyItThings.com--man, they sure know how to spoil a writer. FIrst, $1000 check. Always useful. And for just a simple article. Then, probably $50 or more of lovely sensual goodies--body scrub, body wash, body lotion, soap all from their Caribbean Experience line. I tried the scrub yesterday and I still feel well-moisturized. I definitely needed that after my last few lip-cracking days on the high Peruvian plains. 

I also won a drawing from Strange Horizons. I've been reading stories there for several years but have been shy about commenting. Writer goal for 2009, speak out more about what I read. Now, what will I choose as gift? More later on that topic. 

Write on the Sound Conference--Dan Hurley fiction class

Today I'm off to Dan Hurley's fiction workshop, part of the Write on the Sound Writer's conference. I've had eight ten page manuscripts to read, most well written with some tweaking needed. It should be fun to meet some new writers, many that write commercial fiction. My short story start I sent in definitely needed work.

Reading while in Peru

I've been catching up on a huge backlog of reading while in Peru. I finally finished the last book in the Xeelee series by Stephen Baxter, Resplendent. It had some interesting bits about particle physics, brought back Toric and Pirius, the Transcendence, the futuristic human builders, made one ill about the senseless destructiveness of war, and told the tales of the end of the Qax, and ghosts. I was glad to see Earth saved in an imaginative way from the eventual change of our sun into a red star. I have liked the grand scale and action in this series a great deal. Stephen Baxter wrote the introduction to Karl Schroeder's collection of short stories titled 'The Engine of Recall'. I just finished them and liked the imaginative use of VR and computer interfaces to war machines--quite a good active series of tales. I read Light by M. John Harrison--it had a strange start which kept you reading and by the time you finished you had a sense of the relativistic effects of time.

Studying blogging with some Masters at BlogLog and Pijoo

I've been planning a number of changes to this blog and have learned a bunch of tips from some expert bloggers at BlogLog and Pijoo. I find this blog too cumbersome with far too many topics. I hope to break them out into several topic items soon. It takes quite a bit of organization and planning to develop a blog that targets a given audience and have it recieve attention. My experience here though has been fun, just learning to keep with it, manage the blog, put up photos and links. The Typepad Help pages and Help desk have helped me to do many tasks that I wasn't sure how to even begin.

Truth vs. Non Sequitur

The problem of being an Oracle is the requirement to speak with a double-edged sword. In the listener's ear, they hear what they want to hear and believe what is easiest to believe and get hurt because maybe they have gotten hurt too many times. And if one were do what someone else asked and followed without question because you believe they cared and set aside your own needs and desires for what they asked, and then you said if I had a leader I'd do what they asked and they got hurt because they thought you denied them, what a wonderful spoof that would be to insecurity all the way around. And then there's all the inbetweens that don't quite carry the same give and take causing noise, confusion and heartache. Which was it, truth or non sequitur and will anyone ask?

Playing Catch Up

I'm a little slow on my submissions this month because I'm playing catch up and clean up. I'm also working on my manuscript proposal, especially the marketing plan. I'm getting more and more focused on what projects I want to implement and in which order. Unfortunately, it affects every aspect of Bob and my life, including travel plans. For those I'm out of touch with, patience, I'll be saying hello.

Edit Update

Am doing the promised cut part and ran into an unexpected plot problem that looks like it will be a stroke of genius, in this case Bob's--of course, I get to do all the work to make it happen. My personal estimate of getting done by the end of the month looks like it's going to be three days off but I'm happy at the progress. I did the early weaving, but now, while pulling all the loose threads taut, its grown into what it was supposed to be. Yes, yes, I'm supposed to be humble--but comparatively to myself, this is really good and I'll be very proud of the product.

Edit Update

Am doing the promised cut part and ran into an unexpected plot problem that looks like it will be a stroke of genius, in this case Bob's--of course, I get to do all the work to make it happen. My personal estimate of getting done by the end of the month looks like it's going to be three days off but I'm happy at the progress. I did the early weaving, but now, while pulling all the loose threads taut, its grown into what it was supposed to be. Yes, yes, I'm supposed to be humble--but comparatively to myself, this is really good and I'll be very proud of the product.

Images

There's other images that come and go of friends who'd die for me--the harsh business man, the conqueror of the stars, the shy and sly schoolboy, the man with elegant fingers, the man with chains and black leather and fists. So many people do not believe in the power of imagery--but I have blue hands of fire and they come to life in mind. Three years ago the realm of the night was shaky and at risk, I provided the concrete shoes into the Earth's center so that the battle could continue. I would rather a friend live for me than die for me. Pain is a sensation the body feels alone, the mind is free of it if you cut it off. You may lose heart, or you may choose where your heart finds solace.

I may not be able to see or understand but I at least deserve an answer to why?

Images

There's other images that come and go of friends who'd die for me--the harsh business man, the conqueror of the stars, the shy and sly schoolboy, the man with elegant fingers, the man with chains and black leather and fists. So many people do not believe in the power of imagery--but I have blue hands of fire and they come to life in mind. Three years ago the realm of the night was shaky and at risk, I provided the concrete shoes into the Earth's center so that the battle could continue. I would rather a friend live for me than die for me. Pain is a sensation the body feels alone, the mind is free of it if you cut it off. You may lose heart, or you may choose where your heart finds solace.

I may not be able to see or understand but I at least deserve an answer to why?

Moon Full Produces Sheri's Daily Flog

Questions:

If someone perfers love/homage in their own words, do you wait until they grow up or wait until they use your words to provide their own self love as praise or do you sorrow over your lost words?

How far can one stretch one's mind and heart into the lives of thousands, listen to their heart beat, their cries of anguish and lust, before you are shattered into a shards mirroring yourself and only feel as deep as glass?

Is it better to go slowly and half as much so you pace yourself to the lives of those around you or will you find them jealous of your slowness and half pace instead of jealous of the creation of what might have been?

Did Guinevere anguish at the broken round table or find comfort in the austere nunnery or forever dream of Lancelot's missed kiss and the lost and loving arms of her husband?

If you grab all the pain you feel and mash it into a tiny, small, hidden spot, does it have the same destructive power as a black hole or does it learn to fade away in the veil of the void?

If someone expects to find you where you were a year ago unchanged, would you call them friend or expect to have your best interests at heart?

Moon Full Produces Sheri's Daily Flog

Questions:

If someone perfers love/homage in their own words, do you wait until they grow up or wait until they use your words to provide their own self love as praise or do you sorrow over your lost words?

How far can one stretch one's mind and heart into the lives of thousands, listen to their heart beat, their cries of anguish and lust, before you are shattered into a shards mirroring yourself and only feel as deep as glass?

Is it better to go slowly and half as much so you pace yourself to the lives of those around you or will you find them jealous of your slowness and half pace instead of jealous of the creation of what might have been?

Did Guinevere anguish at the broken round table or find comfort in the austere nunnery or forever dream of Lancelot's missed kiss and the lost and loving arms of her husband?

If you grab all the pain you feel and mash it into a tiny, small, hidden spot, does it have the same destructive power as a black hole or does it learn to fade away in the veil of the void?

If someone expects to find you where you were a year ago unchanged, would you call them friend or expect to have your best interests at heart?

On Last Thirty Pages

Well, tomorrow's the first day of the PNWA conference and I'm finishing up the last of the last edits. Still need to put together the proposal, but the minimum is more than ready. By the end of the month I'll be well ready for my promised reading fest.

Progress on my novel edits

I'm making good progress on my novel edits, doing the last phase, altering the transistions between scenes to provide a smooth flow. Bob, my husband, proofread my first section and pronounced it greatly improved and only found a few typos and one item to delete. I'm on the second section, one of the sections heavily affected by the reorganization and am almost finished. It would be great if I finished through section 4 today. Section 5 and 8 are also heavily affected so I still am going into hibernation of sorts for a week. Then I'll have to try to catch up with all my missed messages. I can't wait to start sending it to agents.

Sleep Optional, Feedback from Christopher Meeks

So, here I am at night, I can't get my husband to quit talking to me--I guess he feels deprived, and I have tons of work to do. I finally lost my patience and said to my dearest husband, when am I supposed to get anything done. His reply was that sleep was optional. Groan. SO much for sympathy.

My husband has started the latest at Univision titled "Fuego en la Sangre" or Fire in the blood.  It has a potent lesson to writers about how to start a book with a bang--every day for the first two days, 1 character died and on the third day two--a mother and her child. Scary to think that death is good.

I heard back from Christopher Meeks who invited everyone to his book opening "If you or any or your readers are in Los Angeles on June 13th, the book will have its publication party at 8 p.m. at the Beverly Hills Public Library (444. Rexford Ave) with four actors each reading/performing a story. I was approached by the library to have this, and it looks to be a special night. You're invited! (Note: the library charges a small admission to pay for the actors. The food and drink are free."

Makes me wish I lived in LA. Well, almost--Seattle is still my idea of heaven.  And I do love hearing back from authors I've reviewed.

Flailing

I get set to write and then freeze then start. I'm still putting away resources and collecting new ones. Every time I start to get settled into my story, I'm pulled away by something. Too much to think about, too many voices demanding attention. I'm looking forward to the weekend quiet.

Home for two days

Sorted all the mail, found my books missing that shipped while I was out. DId all the laundry. My office went from passable to outright mess. Cleaning up the last of the edits on my scenes before going forward. Hard to remember what I'm supposed to do next. I guess it's time and place dislocation.